Heart for the Journey

Last year at this time I was a complete wreck. It had been just about two months since my world collapsed around me and I was still hoping for reconciliation with my ex, even though he had betrayed me, deceived me, abandoned me, used me...how sad to look back and think that I would ever want to be with someone who treated me so poorly and definitely didn't deserve to have me in his life!  I had been seeing a counselor/mentor during this time and she had given me action steps to start my journey towards healing and I was sticking to them. One of her steps was for me to regularly attend the women's ministry at my church and participate in her small group. I am so incredibly grateful for our women's ministry! The Movement (my home church) truly has a heart to see every woman walking in freedom and healing, knowing that she is loved and she belongs! I can't even express in words how much I have gained spiritually and emotionally since I committed myself to attending an...

The night George left, I completely lost it emotionally. He was supposed to come home the following afternoon, but didn't show up. Our phones had been turned off so the only way I was able to communicate with him was when we both happened to have wifi. I was able to find out that he planned to stay one more night at his moms, but again he didn't show up. Three days went by before I heard from him again and he said he was coming home so we could talk, but he never showed up. I didn't stop crying the entire time he was gone, I went three days without eating and barely slept. I was such an emotional wreck! I was angry at God for allowing me to be abandoned again. I was angry at George for leaving and not communicating. I was angry at life! I have never experienced depression or had suicidal thoughts before, but for the first time in my life I did think about ending it all. I was exhausted, emotionally drained, starving, my heart was broken and I just did not see a light at th...

Shortly after my employment came to an end, my little brother made the choice to enter into rehab. It's no secret that he has struggled with addiction since he was 12 years old, but it had gotten so bad that he finally realized he had a problem. God's timing is always perfect because when a person makes a choice to go to rehab, that doesn't mean they will be accepted into a treatment center right away and since I wasn't working at the time, I was able to take him in and help him get sober while we waited for a bed to open up. For a few weeks I was able to spend one on one time with him, hold him accountable, counsel him and support him in any way possible. He was finally able to get into a program down the street from my house after being clean for 3 weeks!  During his stay at rehab, I was able to come visit him on the weekends and it was at the facility that I was introduced to his sponsor, George. I was immediately attracted to him, his voice alone drew me in a...

I had moved from Sacramento to San Diego to take a job at a software company...the money was good, I believed in the software because I had used it at previous jobs, I made new friends and really enjoyed what I was doing. I found my niche at the company and grew really close to the girls on my team, we literally had bonded in ways I had never experienced with coworkers before. After a year of working with this company, my team lead, who was one of my closest friends, was a part of my review process in which she laid out a really negative portrayal of me based off of the opinion of one of her friends in a different department who I barely even knew and had only interacted with a handful of times. Now I can take constructive criticism, but what she put down on my official company review was so off the wall I was completely blindsided and left on vacation that very same day with a lot of hurt, confusion and anger. When I spoke to her about it and undid everything that her friend had told...

After my divorce, my life took a complete turn. I had to scramble to find a place to live, find a full time job that would provide enough income to support myself, I was left to pack up our entire condo by myself, I had to sell almost everything we had accumulated together and figure out where to put the things I was keeping. It was a complete whirlwind and I felt like I was living in a fog of uncertainty. I continued going to church until it became too overwhelming to see all of our friends and continually be asked by people where he was and how he was doing. I wanted to scream at them "What about me? Why don't you ask me how I'm doing since I'm the one standing in front of you!" I didn't make the decision to end our marriage and I tried to get him to change his mind, but there was nothing I could do to turn it around and I really felt like there was more concern for him than there was for me when I was the one who was abandoned. I eventually stopped goi...

***This post has probably been the most difficult one to write so far. Not because of something traumatic that happened, but because I made a very life-altering decision that I regretted for years. Even to this day I don't share this specific part of my life with people. Anyone who came into my life after the fact probably isn't even aware because I never mention it, but God told me that I'm to tell my "whole" story and that means no holding back. So let me preface this post with the following statement: I am not proud of some of the decisions I have made in my life, especially the ones I made knowing that they would take me down the wrong path. BUT I know that God can and will redeem it all! He is the author and the finisher of my life, He knew what I was going to do before I even did it and He has been so forgiving and merciful to me. He can take our mess of a life and create a beautiful story that will bring healing and minister to others. I am in awe and so h...

Texas to San Diego San Diego to McKinleyville (Northern California) McKinleyville to San Diego San Diego to Sacramento In 2 years time, my mom made several big moves with me in tow. In McKinleyville she met a man who later became my stepdad, which is what ultimately landed us in Sacramento. I was 10 years old and so unhappy with the life I had no control over. I remember calling my aunt Lynn all the time when I was home alone after school and telling her I wanted to come back home (San Diego). After a few months, I finally settled in, made some friends and life got a little better. My mom was pregnant with my little brother Dylan and I was really excited to be a big sister. Five days before his due date, my mom went to the doctors for a checkup and the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. The umbilical cord had wrapped around his head and neck and he didn't survive. After 14 hours of labor, my mom delivered a beautiful and perfect sleeping angel with wavy auburn colored...

Six weeks after my grandma passed away, my moms dad (whom I had never met), passed away unexpectedly. My mom made the decision to leave her abusive on again-off again boyfriend for the final time and moved us to Texas to live with her fathers widow. Within a 6 month period, we moved from San Diego to Washington to Texas.  The move to Texas was a rough one and although there are a few good memories, the short time we lived there was filled with chaos, turmoil and instability. It was in Texas that I had my innocence stolen from me.  Being a single mother, my mom was forced to find full time childcare for me during the summer months while she worked and went to school. There was a "family member" who offered to watch me since he was already watching his 2 year old grandson. The house they lived in was beautiful! It was right on the lake and they had a boat, there was a pool table and a big tv to watch movies on. I thought I was going to have the best summer ever, but I ...

Since day one, my grandma made a huge impact on my life. While I don't remember a lot of my childhood, she was always at the center of most of the good memories that I do have. My mom was young and my father has never been a part of my life, so my grandma helped raise me and she was my go-to for everything! My grandma had a thick French accent; she ate French bread and raw garlic along with a glass of Burgundy wine every night, she was a prankster with an amazing sense of humor, she was tough as nails and did things that most men wouldn't have the courage to do. She was a model and a professional dancer in her younger years, but she was also one of the first female firefighters for the Forestry Department. She may have been petite in size, but she had the biggest personality and a heart of gold! My grandma was every bit a lady with a tough and adventurous spirit that carried her through some really difficult life experiences. The love and security I felt when I was wit...

I don't remember a lot of my early childhood. I remember some good moments that usually revolved around my grandma, playing with friends or visiting family in San Diego, but a lot of the details and in depth memories just aren't there. What I do remember are distinct and pivotal moments that made a huge impact on my life, thought patterns and emotions, most of which were moments in time that brought me a lot of pain. The first memory I have isn't anything specific, but more of the atmosphere I was raised in. My mom was involved in an abusive and toxic relationship for about 5 years; I was 7 when she broke it off for the final time. I know my mom tried to shield me from a lot of the abuse she endured, but I do remember seeing him slam her head onto the front end of his truck one night. I think I witnessed a lot more than my mind will allow me to recall ad I'm okay with that. Until recently, I always assumed that witnessing abuse doesn't make you a victim of abus...

My church did a week of fasting leading up to Good Friday and I felt that God was calling me to participate. I've done a Facebook fast before, but never fasted from food. I think God was asking me to rely on Him and to look to Him for  guidance with my eating habits since I've struggled to do so on my own. Not that I eat totally unhealthy, I don't eat fast food and I stopped drinking soda back in 2009, but I was still eating foods filled with fat and sugar and white flour. So during the week of fasting, I avoided all solid food for the first 2 days...I had smoothies, yogurt and lots of water. For the remaining 3 days I did a juice cleanse to reset my system and rid it of processed sugars and toxins. I had one "hangry" day where I was exhausted and extremely irritable, but it passed and I was able to complete my 5 days of fasting without any crazy incidents lol Since then, I have been really good at choosing better options, reading labels (sugar is in EVERYTHING) a...

I was born in March 1980 to a young single mom, she had just turned 19 two months prior. My grandma was there beside her every step of the 36 hours it took for me to make my appearance; supposedly a "Joshua", there was much surprise when a girl popped out instead! My mom didn't have a name picked out for me since she was sure I was a boy, so my name is actually comprised of my moms middle name and my grandmas middle name. I was a big baby with a big head, but from what I'm told, was admired by all of the nurses for being so beautiful and having ruby red lips. My grandma was born Marie Louise Simone Barclay in Paris, France sometime in the 1930's or possibly the late 20's...she refused to tell anyone her actual birth year! lol Her father died in the war when she was a young girl and she subsequently lost her mother and little sister shortly after. She was taken in by her paternal grandmother, but when she grew tired of having a young child in her home, s...