One year! One very difficult, but transformational year!

The night George left, I completely lost it emotionally. He was supposed to come home the following afternoon, but didn't show up. Our phones had been turned off so the only way I was able to communicate with him was when we both happened to have wifi. I was able to find out that he planned to stay one more night at his moms, but again he didn't show up. Three days went by before I heard from him again and he said he was coming home so we could talk, but he never showed up. I didn't stop crying the entire time he was gone, I went three days without eating and barely slept. I was such an emotional wreck! I was angry at God for allowing me to be abandoned again. I was angry at George for leaving and not communicating. I was angry at life! I have never experienced depression or had suicidal thoughts before, but for the first time in my life I did think about ending it all. I was exhausted, emotionally drained, starving, my heart was broken and I just did not see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Another three days went by before I heard from his family that his youngest little boy had a life threatening emergency and was in the hospital which is why George never showed up. My aunt had helped me get my phone turned back on and I ended up having a conversation with his mother and his ex-wife. Between the two of them, they painted a completely different picture of the man I had fallen in love with. He told me he had been physically abused by his step-dad as a child/teenager, that was a lie. He told me his mom had been a raging alcoholic and was addicted to drugs throughout most of his life, there was some truth to it as she did have a drinking problem and has been sober for years, but most of what he told me was a lie. He said his ex-wife cheated on him multiple times during their 15 years together including her sleeping with one of his best friends, that proved to be a lie as well. In fact, he was the one who cheated on her. Oh, and his ex-wife wasn't really his ex-wife, they were still married! Although they were separated and living in different cities when him and I met, she didn't actually file for divorce until she found out about me! Everything I had believed about this man, everything that connected us on such a deep level, all of it was a lie!

That evening, George finally showed up at home, but there wasn't much to talk about. He had no explanations for me. He packed his things and we officially ended our relationship on November 2, 2016.

The next two weeks moved by super slowly, it was all a complete blur. I couldn't focus, had no appetite, had no drive or energy...I just watched my entire life come crashing down around me and finding out that George was a fraud shook me to my core. I grew angry and bitter and my heart hurt so bad I didn't think I'd ever feel normal again. And even though I knew he was a liar and a cheater and he broke my heart into a million pieces, I still wanted him to come back home. I questioned God's very existence because surely a loving God would not allow something so awful to happen to me, not after everything I've already endured throughout my life. I found myself in a deep dark pit and I just wanted to curl up into a ball and never get up. 

Despite my anger towards God, I knew I needed help, I knew I needed someone to come alongside me to extend a hand and lift me out of this deep dark pit. I found myself reaching out to my old small group leader from the women's ministry at the church I had been attending previously. She fit me into her schedule immediately and I met with her for counseling. She was truly a God send! Not only did she pray for me and give me practical steps to help me move forward, she poured into me an abundance of love, mercy and grace! It was her gentle and loving spirit that redirected my focus and helped lead me towards a reconnection with God. Not once did she cast judgment, she never made me feel like I deserved this outcome since I had again turned away from God and was living with a man I was not married to. Instead she showered me with love and acceptance and spoke healing over my heart. For the first time in years, I truly felt the love of God in a tangible way and He used this amazing woman to be His vessel.


November 2nd is no longer a sad day for me, but it's a milestone I can look back on and see just how far God has brought me. Where my heart was shattered, He has put it back together again, piece by piece. Where I was filled with anger, He replaced it with love and joy. Where I felt abandoned, He made me feel like I belonged. Where I was broke and left with nothing, He provided for me. Where I was lonely, He brought me friends and leaders that have poured into me and supported me through some of my most difficult days. In one years time, my life has completely changed for the better. I still have a ways to go, but I'm in a much better place spiritually and emotionally than I have ever been in my life. God broke me and allowed the circumstances of my life to fall out from under me, but He allowed it so that He could rebuild my life on a firm foundation, where my feet will be steadied and securely planted in Him, where I would no longer settle for mediocre, but realize that I'm worthy of so much more. He has brought healing and restoration to my heart and now I know that my identity is found in Him. I am who He says I am, not what the world says! His love for me is overwhelming, unconditional, and it knows no boundaries...He is a good good Father!!!

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