I'm not a runner, but I just keep running...

After my divorce, my life took a complete turn. I had to scramble to find a place to live, find a full time job that would provide enough income to support myself, I was left to pack up our entire condo by myself, I had to sell almost everything we had accumulated together and figure out where to put the things I was keeping. It was a complete whirlwind and I felt like I was living in a fog of uncertainty.

I continued going to church until it became too overwhelming to see all of our friends and continually be asked by people where he was and how he was doing. I wanted to scream at them "What about me? Why don't you ask me how I'm doing since I'm the one standing in front of you!" I didn't make the decision to end our marriage and I tried to get him to change his mind, but there was nothing I could do to turn it around and I really felt like there was more concern for him than there was for me when I was the one who was abandoned. I eventually stopped going to church and didn't return to another one for over 6 years. I not only left church, but I ran from God! I felt abandoned, alone, invisible. My heart was broken, my life shattered, friendships forever changed, hope left my heart, walls went up: trust no one, rely on no one. I became a walking billboard of brokenness and numbness. 

During my 6 year hiatus from church and God, I made some really unhealthy choices, but I also discovered a lot about myself and the amount of strength and resilience I possess deep within. No matter how many times I get knocked down, I always find my way back to my feet. I made a few big moves... San Diego to Texas, Texas to New Mexico, New Mexico to Sacramento, Sacramento to San Diego. With each move I learned more about myself; I stepped out of my comfort zone, I conquered fears, I expanded my pallet and tried new foods, I lived completely alone for the first time which was amazing, I made new friends, learned to appreciate the beauty of Gods creation in nature. I also tried really hard to fill the voids in my heart and soul with toxic behaviors and people. I opened myself up to extremely unhealthy relationships with men, one who was emotionally and mentally abusive and another who kept bailing out on me yet I took him back every time he called to apologize. I became promiscuous, I partied, I frequented bars, my mouth was worse than a sailors, I involved myself in situations I had no business being a part of. While I was partaking of these unhealthy choices, I felt no shame, in fact, I felt it was my right to do what I want with whomever I choose. While we do have free will and we all have the ability to make any choice we want, I know now that all I was doing was numbing the pain, selling myself short, settling for less and devaluing myself as a woman and as a daughter of the King. I was searching for love and acceptance, happiness, a sense of belonging. I was crying out for more...there had to be more to life, there had to be more for me because I am a fierce lover...I love with all that I am and all that I have...there had to be someone out there for me, someone who would appreciate the love I have to give and wouldn't abandon me, wouldn't abuse me or treat me disrespectfully. There just had to be! Despite all the heart break, I refused to give up on love.

In 2013 while I was living in Sacramento, my aunt Lynn was diagnosed with cancer for the second time. This time around though it spread throughout her body and was far too aggressive for treatment. On July 24, she passed away surrounded by family, I was there by phone. I was able to travel to San Diego for her services and reconnect with my family after years of living far away from home. My aunt was the most beautiful example of being Jesus's hands and feet...she was selfless, giving, loving, joyful...she would go to any lengths to show a complete stranger how much God loved and cared for them. She was this beautiful amazing woman and I had become someone I never wanted her, or any of my family to see. While her love for me was unconditional and never ending, the enemy continually fed me lies of how my family would be ashamed if they knew the "real" me. I never wanted to disappoint my aunt Lynn, so I hid my life from her. I'm sure she knew way more than I thought she did and yet her love for me never wavered. I wish I would've realized that before it was too late. I didn't get to hug her goodbye, I didn't get to help her in her time of need, I didn't even have it in me to FaceTime with her or see pictures of her final days because I couldn't bare to see her frail and sick. I wanted to always remember her full of life and love and strength. To this day I can't look at a picture of her without shedding tears. Out of all the people God placed in my life, she was the most loving inspirational example I had. She helped raise me, she prayed for me my entire life, she loved me with a mothers love I had never truly experienced, she held me when I cried, she encouraged me when I was upset, she celebrated my successes and lifted me up when I fell. Losing her physical presence in my life was the hardest loss I've faced since losing my grandma when I was 7. I still become an emotional mess when I think about her or celebrate her Birthday or have In-N-Out...it was her favorite!

After my visit home for her funeral, God began working in my heart and the seed of desire to return home was planted. Six months later I accepted a job in San Diego and moved back home. I was completely broken and still hiding...hiding who I had become, hiding my deep wounds, hiding my broken heart, hiding from myself and hiding from God. Even though I physically relocated, a fresh start wasn't really a fresh start for me because everything I was carrying inside followed me every step of the way. Slowly, God began fanning the flame in my heart and after a year of being home, I finally began opening my heart to Him again. It was a very very small opening, but that's all God needs to begin working!