From dark to light...

I had moved from Sacramento to San Diego to take a job at a software company...the money was good, I believed in the software because I had used it at previous jobs, I made new friends and really enjoyed what I was doing. I found my niche at the company and grew really close to the girls on my team, we literally had bonded in ways I had never experienced with coworkers before. After a year of working with this company, my team lead, who was one of my closest friends, was a part of my review process in which she laid out a really negative portrayal of me based off of the opinion of one of her friends in a different department who I barely even knew and had only interacted with a handful of times. Now I can take constructive criticism, but what she put down on my official company review was so off the wall I was completely blindsided and left on vacation that very same day with a lot of hurt, confusion and anger. When I spoke to her about it and undid everything that her friend had told her, she apologized and said she "didn't know" that it wasn't true. I told her that all she had to do was come to me and discuss what she had heard with me and we could've dealt with things outside of my review, which I felt had tarnished my reputation with upper management. From that moment on, our friendship was never the same. It was shortly after this betrayal that I began pulling away from the social gatherings and started to build more walls around my heart. I was so hurt by what was said that I decided that trusting my coworkers was really no longer an option for me. From then on, my evenings and weekends moving forward were spent at home alone or with family, with the exception of a very limited amount of social activities with only a few coworkers whom I was still on good terms with.

In May of 2015, right in the middle of my turmoil at work, I reached out to a friend of mine and asked her if I could go to church with her, she responded with a "Yes! Come this Sunday." So on Mothers Day, my least favorite "holiday", I joined her for breakfast and we went to church afterwards. I will admit that I was uneasy, after all it had been over six years since I had attended a Sunday morning service with an open heart, willing to feel God move in my heart again. I didn't have a mind-blowing encounter and I didn't walk away with a fire in my belly, but God began fanning a tiny little fame that had been relit in my heart. God knew I was wounded and broken and in a really vulnerable state of mind and emotion, so He did not overwhelm me or force anything upon me, but He came alongside me and gently nudged my heart. It was His gentleness and His mercy and grace that I needed in that moment and He was exactly that. As the weeks passed by, I noticed that the unhealthy relationships I had at work began to slip away...there was no pull on either side to hang out or go grab a drink after work, they just started to fall away naturally. I of course wanted things to stay professional in the workplace, but outside of work, declining invitations became easier and easier. I received confirmations that I was making the right choice to walk away from certain relationships when I'd hear of things being said about me or people hinting to me that I should be careful of what I say around this person or that person and that I shouldn't trust them. With all of this social and emotional drama unfolding all around me, I was also dealing with an overwhelming amount of stress, having so much responsibility on my plate and not being given the resources I needed to do my job to the best of my ability. I was literally being pushed upon from every angle and my health began to pay the price. I was getting sick a lot, I was stressed out every day, I was even dreaming about work and feeling the stress in my sleep, I was unhappy with the way things were playing out at work, it was just a complete mess! I was doing my best to change and grow and get my life on track, but these circumstances at work were only getting worse. I experienced another betrayal by my old team lead while on a work trip and that was pretty much the final straw for me. Going into the holidays I had decided to move to Colorado in the Spring and work remotely. 

I really felt that God was calling me out of this dark place and into new territory. I prayed on it and even my family was on board with this plan. I had done research on churches in the Colorado Springs area and what neighborhoods to live in...I finally felt peace and was looking forward to this fresh start in a completely new place. We get through the holidays and I'm getting more and more excited to move, and then, the other shoe drops! I get called into a meeting with one of our executive members and he basically lays out a full fledged complaint against me and tells me that if I don't clean up my act, I won't be allowed to work remotely; my plans to relocate were relying solely on this opportunity. In this meeting, most of what was being thrown at me was completely untrue. There were a few things I did acknowledge and agreed that I needed to work on these areas where I had let the stress take over and affect me in negative ways. However, 75% of what was said was completely untrue and when I told him this, he accused me of calling my coworkers liars. I told him that I wasn't calling them liars, but what they said was untrue. He didn't like that I wasn't in agreement and that I was standing up for myself, all of which played a huge part in the undoing of my employment with this company. A few weeks later I was put on a 30 day probation to basically "ship up or ship out!" We had a 2 week follow-up in which I was told that the privilege of working remotely was being denied because he wasn't seeing any improvement. I was doing everything I possibly could to address the issues I knew I needed to work on, but if the VP says he sees no improvement based off of his "eyes and ears" around me, which of course happen to be those whom I have cut off outside relationships with due to lies, betrayals and gossip, it's no wonder that he was being told I was horrible! Following this meeting, I began to seriously pray about walking away from this company altogether. My well-being and my health were so negatively impacted over the past year that I began to feel that closing the door completely may be my only option to reclaim my life. A week later I walked into the office and handed them my resignation. I felt such relief when I finally made the choice to leave that job! After I gave them my two weeks notice, I got really sick and missed a few days of work. When I returned the following week to begin training my replacement, they had decided to let me go. I was terminated that very day, but now I was qualified to receive unemployment. God had my back and because I was doing what I felt God was asking of me, He blessed me and made provision for me!

I say all of this, not to throw shade at my previous employer or coworkers, but to show you that light and dark do not mix. If you are living in the dark, no matter how decent a person you may be, the circumstances of life will always lead to stress, anxiety, angst, bitterness, gossip and drama. We live in a "me" society where everyone is out for themselves and will do unthinkable things to save themselves, even if it means throwing their friend under the bus or telling full fledged lies to protect their own reputation. When I began to see these things taking place and started pulling away from this type of behavior, I was then looked at as the "different one", the one who no longer participates in the tearing down of others, the one who no longer throws fuel on the fire, the one who no longer finds certain jokes amusing, the one who no longer sits around the lunch table talking about other people. When you become "different", the enemy sets out to destroy you because you bring light and truth with you and he does not want you to threaten or undo his handiwork. I was betrayed, I became the pun of someone else's joke, I was unjustly accused, I was torn down by the very people I used to call friend. Light and dark do not mix and the enemy did everything he could to bring me down as soon as I began to align myself with heart of the Father. I may have lost my job and my really nice income, but I walked out of that place with my head held high knowing that God's got my back no matter what the enemy throws at me!

In the Bible it says that we are in the world, but not to be a part of it. We will always be in some sort of relationship with people who do not believe as we do, whether it's at work, in the PTA at your child's school, with family members, neighbors, etc. Now I'm not saying that we shouldn't mix" with these people, that's not what the word instructs us to do, but we don't have to take part in the things of this world that lead us towards anxiety, anger, bitterness, gossip, slander, etc. We are to choose good, do good, spread good. We are called to be light and salt in a dark and hurting world. We are called to love our neighbor. We are called to be the hands and feet of Jesus to those around us. We are called to pray for our government, those in authority over us, our coworkers, our families, our churches, our cities, our ENEMIES. When we are living as light in this dark world, the enemy will come against us because we are called to be atmosphere changers. The enemy knows that our very presence, because we have the holy spirit dwelling inside of us, can break his strongholds and shatter his lies. The enemy will attack and there are situations and circumstances that God will allow to take place in our lives in order for us to learn what it means to be fitted with the armor of God so we can effectively battle against the giants in our lives, so we learn what it means to walk in faith, step into our calling, live out our beliefs. So the next time your boss blames you for something you didn't do or your neighbor gets mad at your child for walking on his grass or if one of your friends stirs up unnecessary drama, don't RSVP to the argument that the enemy is trying to pull you into! Instead, take it to God and allow him to guide you, show you how to respond, and then give him the authority to move on your behalf. God's got your back and his defense is greater and stronger than anything you could ever try to do in your own strength.