Surprised by love, abandoned once again...

Shortly after my employment came to an end, my little brother made the choice to enter into rehab. It's no secret that he has struggled with addiction since he was 12 years old, but it had gotten so bad that he finally realized he had a problem. God's timing is always perfect because when a person makes a choice to go to rehab, that doesn't mean they will be accepted into a treatment center right away and since I wasn't working at the time, I was able to take him in and help him get sober while we waited for a bed to open up. For a few weeks I was able to spend one on one time with him, hold him accountable, counsel him and support him in any way possible. He was finally able to get into a program down the street from my house after being clean for 3 weeks! 

During his stay at rehab, I was able to come visit him on the weekends and it was at the facility that I was introduced to his sponsor, George. I was immediately attracted to him, his voice alone drew me in and the fact that he was an integral part of the support system for my brother sealed the deal for me! Him and I quickly hit it off and before I knew it, we were texting and talking on the phone. I felt like he was the male version of myself...we liked the same music, we both wanted to travel to the same places, we had the same taste in food and art and coffee! It had been several years since I had been in a real relationship after having my heart broken in New Mexico, so I was guarded and nervous about opening myself up to someone again, but he made it so easy. We went on our first date soon after and it was full speed ahead from that point. He made me feel comfortable, adored, beautiful...he opened up to me and included me in his world...he treated me with respect...he made me laugh...he was everything I had been longing for. We immediately connected on a level I had never experienced before, not even with my ex-husband and we were together for almost 6 years! I fell head over heels for this man and I jumped into a relationship with him that I truly thought was going to last a lifetime. We talked about marriage, moving to Missouri in a few years to live in the house his step-father designed and built and we planned to open up a recovery camp/hunting facility on the property, we discussed traveling to Guam so I could meet his extended family, having children together (he has 3 boys already, but we wanted to add one of our own into the mix), pets, vacations, dreams; anything and everything you could possibly want to discuss and explore with a partner, we dove into feet first with no hesitation, no holding back. Before I knew it, we were moving in together and life was good! I was the happiest I had been in years and it felt so amazing to be in love again.

About a month after we moved in together, he lost his job and I was still unemployed myself. We didn't worry too much because I had unemployment coming in, I had money in savings, and we were certain that he'd find another job quickly. Well a few months went by and my unemployment came to an end, my savings dried up, and although he had several job offers, nothing panned out. We were overdrawn in the bank, bills went unpaid, our phones got turned off, and the dreadful knock on the door came after we couldn't make rent. I had been broke before, but never to this extent...everything I had worked so hard for came crashing down around me and the stress began to take its toll on both of us. He started to distance himself, he pulled away both physically and emotionally. I was so angry that nothing was working out for us...we were both capable hard working people, yet neither of us could find jobs and we were out of time, out of options. It just didn't make sense!

After months of struggling with no end in sight, I tried to have a conversation with him to see what he was planning to do, if any other job prospects had come along, if there was anyone we could possibly borrow money from to help us stay afloat a little longer? It ended up turning into a full blown argument that left me in tears and he completely shut down. I felt so alone, confused, hurt... when I asked him if he wanted to stay in the boat and figure this out together, he said he didn't know. When I asked him if he loved me enough to stick it out, he said he didn't know.

He left our house that evening to go visit his mom and to clear his head...he didn't come back home. 


One year ago, today.

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