Loss, grief and bad decisions (Part 1)...

Texas to San Diego
San Diego to McKinleyville (Northern California)
McKinleyville to San Diego
San Diego to Sacramento

In 2 years time, my mom made several big moves with me in tow. In McKinleyville she met a man who later became my stepdad, which is what ultimately landed us in Sacramento. I was 10 years old and so unhappy with the life I had no control over. I remember calling my aunt Lynn all the time when I was home alone after school and telling her I wanted to come back home (San Diego). After a few months, I finally settled in, made some friends and life got a little better. My mom was pregnant with my little brother Dylan and I was really excited to be a big sister. Five days before his due date, my mom went to the doctors for a checkup and the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. The umbilical cord had wrapped around his head and neck and he didn't survive. After 14 hours of labor, my mom delivered a beautiful and perfect sleeping angel with wavy auburn colored hair. Our lives were forever changed that day. I stayed the following week with my new best friend while my mom and stepdad took some time away to process. Their marriage was never the same after that, and even though they stayed together for several years and had two more children, neither of them were truly happy in the relationship. After 5 years in Sacramento (the longest amount of time I had ever spent in one city as a child) we moved to Redding for a fresh start. Unfortunately, this fresh start was the beginning of the end for their marriage and a family was broken apart. My stepdad moved back to Sacramento and I was forced to take up a parenting role to 2 young toddlers while I was still in high school. My relationship with my mom declined more and more as I began to resent losing my childhood and then my life as a high school student as well. Although it wasn't completely her fault, she was the only one in close enough proximity to blame. In the middle of my junior year of high school, we moved back to San Diego. My aunt Lynn helped out with my brothers and I was able to finally have a break every now and then and was even able to get my first real job working as a barista at Starbucks. My senior year was a drag; I didn't really enjoy it since it was my first and last year at yet another new school and I didn't have the bonds and connections with my fellow students that make your senior year memorable. I did get to graduate with my first best friend from Kindergarten, which was the best thing to come out of my Senior year. 

All throughout my childhood and teen years, we would be in and out of church, never really fully committing to it. The church I attended in Poway as a young child was the same church we returned to years later when we moved back to San Diego. Granted I knew all of families from years prior, but I still didn't have that bond, that strong connection that carries lifelong friendships. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Did I hold that back from getting involved? No. Did I hold back from rebuilding these childhood friendships? No. But it still wasn't the same. I tried to never let on that I felt different or that I felt disconnected because no one wants to be a debbie downer! I struggled though and I was jealous of the strong friendships that these girls and guys had with one another. I was a part of them, yet I wasn't. There were some situations that arose where I felt unjustly treated, situations where I wasn't the only one involved, yet my "punishment" was harsh and a slap on the hand was given to the other parties. It was in those moments that I began to pull away and I let anger and rejection take root in my heart. I felt betrayed and let down. My youth pastor was an amazing guy, but I was angry at the church and I took it out on him. On January 15, 2000, my youth pastor Bryan passed away unexpectedly. I was devastated and I felt tremendous guilt about the way I had treated him due to my hurt and anger. I felt alone, I felt like I had no one to run to, no one to talk to. I was in a very dark place after his death and my decisions and life choices that followed, were not healthy or productive. I took a very painful detour in my life that led me down a road filled with heartache.


To be continued...

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