I remember...

I don't remember a lot of my early childhood. I remember some good moments that usually revolved around my grandma, playing with friends or visiting family in San Diego, but a lot of the details and in depth memories just aren't there. What I do remember are distinct and pivotal moments that made a huge impact on my life, thought patterns and emotions, most of which were moments in time that brought me a lot of pain.

The first memory I have isn't anything specific, but more of the atmosphere I was raised in. My mom was involved in an abusive and toxic relationship for about 5 years; I was 7 when she broke it off for the final time. I know my mom tried to shield me from a lot of the abuse she endured, but I do remember seeing him slam her head onto the front end of his truck one night. I think I witnessed a lot more than my mind will allow me to recall ad I'm okay with that. Until recently, I always assumed that witnessing abuse doesn't make you a victim of abuse, but that's actually not correct. Witnessing someone you love endure abuse may not be physically damaging, but there is significant damage done on the inside; mentally and emotionally. What I saw as a really young child was engrained into my head and it taught me that it's okay to accept this horrible type of treatment if the person says that they love you. Although I do distinctly remember telling myself that I would never allow someone to physically hurt me like that, as an adult I became accustomed to accepting toxic behavior from those who said that they "loved" me, even if their words and actions proved otherwise. I allowed all sorts of toxic relationships into my life, not even realizing the root of the issue traced back to my childhood.

I encountered my first experience with overwhelming fear when I was around 4 or 5. Our neighbors house burnt down one night and an older boy from the neighborhood told us little girls that there were ghosts living in that house now. Every time I'd go play at my friends house, I'd have to walk by this "haunted" house. I'd get to a certain spot on our street and scream for my mom to come get me because I was too afraid to walk alone. One day my mom didn't come and I remember covering my eyes, tears streaming down my face, and I ran as fast as my little legs would take me until I was safe inside of my home. From that day on, I don't recall having any other profound moments of fear, but this was the moment I realized that I couldn't rely on anyone, not even my own mom. I became fiercely independent and to this day, I struggle with allowing people in, I struggle with allowing people to help me, I struggle with stepping out of my comfort zone and pursuing social interaction outside of work and church. I love people and I love social engagements, but my home is my refuge and I will choose to stay home over going out any day because it's safe and comfortable.

I remember...

Finding out there was no Santa Clause at the age of 5.
Finding out about sex at the age of 5.
Finding out the stove burner is really hot...ouch!
Moving around...a lot! I went to over 12 schools from kindergarten through my Senior year of High School.
Sucking my thumb until I was 7 because it was the only sense of security I had.
Drugs, alcohol and all night parties.
Feeling alone, unimportant and in the way.

While God has done so much healing in my heart when it comes to my childhood, there are still some really deep rooted wounds that God continues to work on. He's teaching me how to turn my pain into purpose. He's showing me how to react and respond to people who have hurt me and will hurt me in the future, so that fresh wounds don't grow roots in my heart and I'm able to quickly forgive and move forward. 

One of the toughest lessons for me to learn as an adult has been accepting that it's okay to say no and it's okay to put up boundaries to keep others from wreaking havoc on your heart and mind. It's also okay to be hurt, but it's not okay to return hurt for hurt and it's not okay to allow that hurt to fester and take up space in your heart that is solely designated for God alone! The enemy wants us to relive every wrong, every injustice that's ever been done to us because if he can keep up us separated and alienated from people, he can keep us focused on all the bad stuff, he can suck us into anger and bitterness and self pity which in turn keeps us separated from God. Forgiveness is key!

I'm guilty of looking at everything people have done to me, I'm guilty of holding onto my pain and anger, I'm guilty of walking away from people and situations because I was hurt or offended and I'm guilty of gossiping and slandering those who have hurt or offended me. The enemy has won many battles in my heart and mind, but he will not win the war! My God is teaching my hands to war, He's teaching me to rise above, He's teaching me to see others through His eyes. While I did encounter a lot of painful stuff in my childhood, God is a God of redemption and He will use my past to help others. One day I'll look back and see why I was given this specific path to walk and it's going to be a beautiful day!




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

When God Feels Silent and Loneliness is Loud

  Can I be honest?  These last 22 months have been   really  hard. I’ve shared bits and pieces here and there about the struggles I’ve faced since moving away from San Diego, but I think it’s time to give more context—and maybe make some sense of it all. I have this tendency to keep things bottled up or to only share a fraction of what I’m really going through with the people closest to me; I never want to feel like I’m dumping all my mess on someone. But I’ve reached a point where holding it in is no longer helping me. If I don’t let it out, it’s going to keep devouring me from the inside—messing with my mental and emotional health in ways I can’t afford to ignore anymore. As I’ve shared in previous posts, I’ve been in a season of “restructuring” my faith—really trying to figure out what I believe, what I’m looking for in a church community, and what red flags to watch for when stepping into a new space. But more than anything, I’ve been trying to understand   ...
Read more

Red Flags in Church Culture — and What a Healthy Community Looks Like.

  In my previous post, I shared a brief overview of what spiritual abuse can look like in a church, and how narcissistic leadership and a toxic honor culture can intensify an already unhealthy environment. I also shared a bit of my personal story. If you're interested in reading more about that, you can check out that post here . Stepping out of an unhealthy church can leave you feeling deeply unsettled. You may find yourself distrusting others — and even yourself — questioning whether what you're feeling is normal. Hurt, anger, bitterness, grief — let me reassure you: those feelings are completely valid. There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling that way. You should be able to trust your pastor and the leaders who serve the church. They’re called to be shepherds — to tend to and care for the flock. So when the very people who are meant to protect you are the ones who cause harm, it can shake you to your core. It’s not just a breach of trust; it’s a spiritual wound. And for ma...
Read more

Somewhere Between Hurt & Healing: My Story with the Church

  Over the past few years, we’ve seen more and more stories surface about churches and pastors caught up in scandals, abuse, or just deeply unhealthy leadership. And honestly? It’s heartbreaking—but not shocking. Just because someone calls themselves a pastor or ministry leader doesn’t mean they’re above making mistakes. No one is perfect. But I think a lot of us still carry the expectation that those who lead in God’s name will live with a deep sense of integrity and humility. And they should. If you’re stepping into a role where people are trusting you with their hearts, their stories, and their spiritual formation—you better be surrounding yourself with wise, grounded people who will call you out when needed, who speak the truth even when it’s uncomfortable. That’s true for all of us. We all need people in our lives who will challenge us in love, especially when we’re about to drift into something unhealthy. The truth is, a church can’t be healthy if its leaders aren’t first wil...
Read more