So, I decided to quit my job...
I had a pretty rough 2015 and was really hoping for 2016 to be better, but these first couple of months haven't been any easier. I was in a minor car accident In December that I'm still dealing with, I had been so stressed at work that I developed a monstrous ulcer in my mouth that prevented me from eating real food for almost 2 weeks, and then I got really sick on top of everything else. While it looks like the world is against me, I've actually experienced something pretty amazing that has altered the direction of my current situation and near future. Bare with me as I take you the long way...
I've always been the type of person to fake a smile and say everything is just fine because I'd rather people not know what kinda hot mess I am lol Over the past 6 months or so I have made some pretty radical changes in my life; I started going to church again, I'm working on getting rid of bad habits and developing healthier ones, I've pulled away from some relationships that were unhealthy or were no longer fulfilling, happy, positive, etc. I have a bad habit of hiding away and not allowing people in...I've been hurt deeply in the past and this is my defense mechanism when I start to feel like I'm about to be hurt again. What I end up doing is closing myself off from all relationships and becoming a recluse; I'll spend my weekends at home alone, I'll turn down invitations to go out, I would head straight home after work and avoid social activity. Not only is this unhealthy and damaging, it ends up pulling me further into this place of solitary confinement where I feel imprisoned by my own choices to be left alone. I'm not happy here, I'm lonely and scared and start to feel lost. Although my hearts desire is to have a few close trusted girlfriends, I find myself stuck here in this place where I'm cut off from the world. Trust is hard for me, being vulnerable is scary, but loneliness is so much more destructive.
In November, I felt God calling me to Colorado. I've had so many confirmations along the way that there is no denying that's where I'm meant to be. I found a church and they have a women's ministry that is really thriving. They encourage women to be there for one another, to lift one another up and to pursue godly life giving friendships. I have been so excited to move to Colorado and get connected...its been the one thing to keep me going even when everything around me is caving in. It seemed as though I was finally going to see a breakthrough, I was going to get a fresh start in a new city, I was going to have the opportunity to create the life I want to live. My job was going to allow me to go remote, which was huge! I was going to be able to afford my own place and not have to deal with the stress of commuting to the office anymore, I thought I was finally going to see the fruit for which I have labored over for a year now. Well, that all came crashing down on me. Without getting into great detail, things went south at work, so bad that I was told I couldn't go remote and my job was on the line. While most of the things being brought to my attention were completely false, there was no convincing them otherwise, they already had their minds made up that I was guilty. At first I got really defensive and I struggled to hold in the tears, but I decided that I would give it my all and whatever happens happens, at least I'd go down knowing I did my best. For several weeks I focused on staying positive and keeping a smile on my face, even when it was the hardest thing for me to do. I found out that someone I thought I could trust had betrayed me and revealed somethings to upper management that I had said in confidence, so on top of the stress of being under a microscope, I also had to face my Judas on a daily basis but not let on that I knew. After a few weeks of being really unhappy, well more like the past year in all honesty, I made the decision to quit my job. Let me expound on how I came to this decision...
For the past year I had wanted to quit my job on numerous occasions. I always decided to stick it out for a variety of reasons, but the main one being that I have enjoyed the financial stability that the job had afforded me. Through the stress, the tears, the sleepless nights, I always justified it with the fact that I'm at least getting a decent paycheck. But at what cost am I willing to sacrifice my happiness, my health, my relationships? I had been seriously considering quitting for at least 2 months, I prayed about it, discussed it with my aunt, considered my options, etc. what it boiled down to was the fact that I was scared to quit, scared to lose the paycheck, scared that I wouldn't find a comparable position elsewhere, scared to walk out and regret my decision. Last month, a friend from work posted a video on Facebook of her friend that really spoke to me. She was talking about doing things you love, being authentic, stepping into the person you were created to be...life is too short to worry about what other people think. I was so encouraged and felt that her message was just what I needed to hear. That weekend I went to an art show where she was showcasing some art pieces, including one that I saw in her video and I knew I had to see it because this painting was calling my name. Prior to the show, a few of us got together to watch the sunset and grab dinner and it was during this time that the conversation changed to work. I told them I hadn't been happy for a while and my 2 coworkers asked me why I don't just quit then? They told me that I'll never be happy if I let fear keep me there and that I should pursue what makes me happy. I started feeling that gumption arise inside and I started thinking that I could quit my job and survive! So we finally made it to the art show, I introduced myself to JJ, told her I loved her YouTube video and then dismissed myself to go look at her work. Man, I was so stoked on that one painting and I just felt this connection to it, like it was made for me. I told my friend that I had to have it so I told JJ and purchased it on the spot. I got the chance to speak with her and kind of share a small part of my story and how God was calling me to Colorado Springs. We talked about "the journey" and when we are obedient and respond to God when he calls, it makes him responsible to come through for us because he wouldn't bring us somewhere and then drop us when we get there. He is faithful to provide if I am faithful to his instruction. I was so giddy over this painting! I took it home that night and hung it on my wall. That night was a huge awakening for me and I made the decision to follow my heart and quit my job. Now, I'm not saying the painting made me do it lol but it sorta did! A few days later JJ posted that she sold the painting and gave a backstory into its creation and holy wow! She prayed over the painting as she created it and everything she described was exactly what I needed and what God was speaking to my heart through this painting when I saw it! There is something so powerful about someone fulfilling their calling, allowing God to use them and bring who they were created to be! When we are doing what we are called to do, God uses us to bless others and speak words of life and encouragement into their hearts.
So, I put in my two weeks notice and got so sick that I missed a few days of work. When I came back the following week to begin training my replacement, I was notified that they decided to let me go. I was so upset at first, but I walked out of that building with my head held high and a smile on my face for I was finally free! I struggled so long at that job and it no longer has a hold on me. Sometimes we don't immediately understand the process or even the outcome, but once you work through the emotions, you can look back and finally see the bigger picture and know that what you endured served a purpose.
Every day when I wake up in the morning and each night before bed, I look at that painting and it serves as a beautiful reminder that God has something bigger and better planned for me, all I have to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue moving down the path he created just for me!
I've always been the type of person to fake a smile and say everything is just fine because I'd rather people not know what kinda hot mess I am lol Over the past 6 months or so I have made some pretty radical changes in my life; I started going to church again, I'm working on getting rid of bad habits and developing healthier ones, I've pulled away from some relationships that were unhealthy or were no longer fulfilling, happy, positive, etc. I have a bad habit of hiding away and not allowing people in...I've been hurt deeply in the past and this is my defense mechanism when I start to feel like I'm about to be hurt again. What I end up doing is closing myself off from all relationships and becoming a recluse; I'll spend my weekends at home alone, I'll turn down invitations to go out, I would head straight home after work and avoid social activity. Not only is this unhealthy and damaging, it ends up pulling me further into this place of solitary confinement where I feel imprisoned by my own choices to be left alone. I'm not happy here, I'm lonely and scared and start to feel lost. Although my hearts desire is to have a few close trusted girlfriends, I find myself stuck here in this place where I'm cut off from the world. Trust is hard for me, being vulnerable is scary, but loneliness is so much more destructive.
In November, I felt God calling me to Colorado. I've had so many confirmations along the way that there is no denying that's where I'm meant to be. I found a church and they have a women's ministry that is really thriving. They encourage women to be there for one another, to lift one another up and to pursue godly life giving friendships. I have been so excited to move to Colorado and get connected...its been the one thing to keep me going even when everything around me is caving in. It seemed as though I was finally going to see a breakthrough, I was going to get a fresh start in a new city, I was going to have the opportunity to create the life I want to live. My job was going to allow me to go remote, which was huge! I was going to be able to afford my own place and not have to deal with the stress of commuting to the office anymore, I thought I was finally going to see the fruit for which I have labored over for a year now. Well, that all came crashing down on me. Without getting into great detail, things went south at work, so bad that I was told I couldn't go remote and my job was on the line. While most of the things being brought to my attention were completely false, there was no convincing them otherwise, they already had their minds made up that I was guilty. At first I got really defensive and I struggled to hold in the tears, but I decided that I would give it my all and whatever happens happens, at least I'd go down knowing I did my best. For several weeks I focused on staying positive and keeping a smile on my face, even when it was the hardest thing for me to do. I found out that someone I thought I could trust had betrayed me and revealed somethings to upper management that I had said in confidence, so on top of the stress of being under a microscope, I also had to face my Judas on a daily basis but not let on that I knew. After a few weeks of being really unhappy, well more like the past year in all honesty, I made the decision to quit my job. Let me expound on how I came to this decision...
For the past year I had wanted to quit my job on numerous occasions. I always decided to stick it out for a variety of reasons, but the main one being that I have enjoyed the financial stability that the job had afforded me. Through the stress, the tears, the sleepless nights, I always justified it with the fact that I'm at least getting a decent paycheck. But at what cost am I willing to sacrifice my happiness, my health, my relationships? I had been seriously considering quitting for at least 2 months, I prayed about it, discussed it with my aunt, considered my options, etc. what it boiled down to was the fact that I was scared to quit, scared to lose the paycheck, scared that I wouldn't find a comparable position elsewhere, scared to walk out and regret my decision. Last month, a friend from work posted a video on Facebook of her friend that really spoke to me. She was talking about doing things you love, being authentic, stepping into the person you were created to be...life is too short to worry about what other people think. I was so encouraged and felt that her message was just what I needed to hear. That weekend I went to an art show where she was showcasing some art pieces, including one that I saw in her video and I knew I had to see it because this painting was calling my name. Prior to the show, a few of us got together to watch the sunset and grab dinner and it was during this time that the conversation changed to work. I told them I hadn't been happy for a while and my 2 coworkers asked me why I don't just quit then? They told me that I'll never be happy if I let fear keep me there and that I should pursue what makes me happy. I started feeling that gumption arise inside and I started thinking that I could quit my job and survive! So we finally made it to the art show, I introduced myself to JJ, told her I loved her YouTube video and then dismissed myself to go look at her work. Man, I was so stoked on that one painting and I just felt this connection to it, like it was made for me. I told my friend that I had to have it so I told JJ and purchased it on the spot. I got the chance to speak with her and kind of share a small part of my story and how God was calling me to Colorado Springs. We talked about "the journey" and when we are obedient and respond to God when he calls, it makes him responsible to come through for us because he wouldn't bring us somewhere and then drop us when we get there. He is faithful to provide if I am faithful to his instruction. I was so giddy over this painting! I took it home that night and hung it on my wall. That night was a huge awakening for me and I made the decision to follow my heart and quit my job. Now, I'm not saying the painting made me do it lol but it sorta did! A few days later JJ posted that she sold the painting and gave a backstory into its creation and holy wow! She prayed over the painting as she created it and everything she described was exactly what I needed and what God was speaking to my heart through this painting when I saw it! There is something so powerful about someone fulfilling their calling, allowing God to use them and bring who they were created to be! When we are doing what we are called to do, God uses us to bless others and speak words of life and encouragement into their hearts.
So, I put in my two weeks notice and got so sick that I missed a few days of work. When I came back the following week to begin training my replacement, I was notified that they decided to let me go. I was so upset at first, but I walked out of that building with my head held high and a smile on my face for I was finally free! I struggled so long at that job and it no longer has a hold on me. Sometimes we don't immediately understand the process or even the outcome, but once you work through the emotions, you can look back and finally see the bigger picture and know that what you endured served a purpose.
Every day when I wake up in the morning and each night before bed, I look at that painting and it serves as a beautiful reminder that God has something bigger and better planned for me, all I have to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue moving down the path he created just for me!
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