In the beginning...

I was born in March 1980 to a young single mom, she had just turned 19 two months prior. My grandma was there beside her every step of the 36 hours it took for me to make my appearance; supposedly a "Joshua", there was much surprise when a girl popped out instead! My mom didn't have a name picked out for me since she was sure I was a boy, so my name is actually comprised of my moms middle name and my grandmas middle name. I was a big baby with a big head, but from what I'm told, was admired by all of the nurses for being so beautiful and having ruby red lips.

My grandma was born Marie Louise Simone Barclay in Paris, France sometime in the 1930's or possibly the late 20's...she refused to tell anyone her actual birth year! lol Her father died in the war when she was a young girl and she subsequently lost her mother and little sister shortly after. She was taken in by her paternal grandmother, but when she grew tired of having a young child in her home, she decided to surrender her to a Catholic orphanage. My grandma spent a large part of her childhood being raised by nuns who ran the orphanage, it was there that she endured neglect and physical abuse on a regular basis. She grew up feeling unloved and unwanted; abuse, abandonment, rejection and fear became her reality which plagued her deeply into her later years. She met my grandfather while he was stationed in Germany. They got married, moved to the States and had 2 children. When she became a mother, she was so ill equipped and didn't know how to love the way a mother should. Everything she learned growing up became her blueprint for raising her own children and my uncle and my mom didn't experience an ideal childhood. Their parents were divorced while they were young children and sadly, abandonment, rejection and fear were carried down through another generation. When I was born though, it seemed that my grandma was given a second chance, the opportunity to redeem her motherly ways. She was an incredible grandmother to me and she was my best friend until the day she died.

My mother was born in 1960 in Richmond, Virginia. She endured a very rough childhood and her teen years were no better. My mom was plagued by abuse, abandonment, rejection and fear, just like my grandma. It's pretty difficult to be setup to live a healthy and successful life when all you've endured has been the exact opposite. While she didn't have the best blueprint for motherhood passed down to her, there were certain things she resolved within herself to never pass down to her own children based off of her own experiences. When she became pregnant with me at the age of 18, she was determined to give me a better life and was excited at the idea of having something of her own that could never be taken away from her. Although she was young and unprepared for motherhood, my grandma stepped in to help and together they walked this journey of hope, love and redemption; this journey meant something different to both of them, yet it brought them together and began mending what had been damaged in the years leading up to my birth.

In the book You Are Free: Be Who You Already Are by Rebekah Lyons, she says the following "Our purpose began when God formed us, and he continues to call us as long as we have breath. The psalmist wrote it this way: “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” God appointed his purpose for each of us, even in our mothers’ wombs." 

While the family I was born into may have been riddled by pain and fear, God had a purpose and a plan for my life long before I was even a thought in my mothers head. I choose to hold onto Gods promises and His purpose for my life, for only He can make sense of all the pain and brokenness. What I was born into does not define me! It may have helped shape who I am today, but it does not have the final word on my identity! I belong to God and because I am His, my past and the past of the family I was born into holds no power over me. I am who He says I am:

Beautiful
Worthy
Loved
Virtuous
Faithful
Loyal
Truth Seeking
Honest
Compassionate
Anointed 
Caring
Loving
Amazing
Giver
Heartfelt

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