It's not how you start, it's how you finish...

Well it's a new year and we are just about halfway through January...time seems to get away from me a lot these days and I feel like I'll never accomplish all of the things I need to. 2018 is supposed to be a year of abundance for me and so far that is ringing true in a few areas, but not exactly as I had thought it would.

An ABUNDANCE of physical pain...

For almost a year now I've been dealing with some pretty intense pain in my shoulder and bicep area. Some days it's so bad I can't move my arm without experiencing excruciating pain that brings me to tears. I've lived with this constant pain for quite some time now and it affects my quality of life in a big way. I've had many people praying for me, which I appreciate so much and I know that prayers have been answered and I've had much relief over the past year, but I haven't had a full healing. I do trust that God has a plan and there's a reason why I've been dealt this hand, so I'm trying my best to not let the pain drag me down or cause me to withdraw, but some days are worse than others and I find myself trudging through an onslaught of emotions and negative thoughts. Pain can change people; most often it's not for the better as you find yourself becoming withdrawn, depressed, moody, bitter or even angry. You may not understand why you have to suffer physically and you can either allow yourself to go down that rabbit hole where you begin questioning God's love for you or you can set your gaze on Him and through the tears, choose to praise Him anyway...I've found myself in that rabbit hole way more often than I'd like to admit. The past month has been probably the worst one since I originally began dealing with this issue in my shoulder and there were definitely days where I felt angry and I indulged in self-pity, but there have also been days where I was able to get beyond the pain and feel God's comfort and peace despite the pain and unanswered questions. I'm still struggling to discover the purpose for this pain, what He is trying to teach me, what direction He's taking me when it comes to doctors and tests and treatment plans, what I need to do to better manage the pain if this is a burden I have to bear for the rest of my life. Nothing I experience will ever compare to the horribly painful things Jesus endured on this Earth, so He knows what I'm feeling and He understands the plethora of emotions I go through on my very worst day! The cup of physical suffering is not easy to drink from and I've seen some amazing people take that cup and drink from it with such beauty and grace. There's a girl at my church who has had numerous heart surgeries, but she has displayed such beauty and faith and joy through it all. Even on the days where she's struggled emotionally, she seems to always push through to find that silver lining and it's so inspiring to watch. While I definitely do not embrace my cup with a cheerful spirit and I'm far from displaying beauty and grace through all of this, I do aspire to get there! I have it easy compared to so many others who are dealing with much worse, so keeping my eyes focused on God and His purposes is the goal in all of this. Pray for me people! I do not want to wallow in my pit, I want to display beauty and grace and learn from this so I can help others who may be faced with their own cup of suffering. 

An ABUNDANCE of disappointment...

Last year God gave me the vision to start my little side business, Mia Lynn Jewelry & Gifts. I had a table at a handmade market in December that I was hoping would be successful and I worked for months creating jewelry so I'd have lots of inventory. The show ended up being a bust...I made $100 after the cost of the table and I closed out 2017 in the red which was really disheartening. I know this business is something God has for me so I'm not giving up, but I've lost that fire that was driving me to create "abundantly". He has given me new ideas, but I'm moving at a much slower pace, partly because the physical pain makes it hard for me to function some days, but mainly because I'm afraid to put more work and money into it and not see the fruits of my labor. I think I need to find someone to come alongside me and hold me accountable so I can follow through on the goals I've set for myself. I know I need to be realistic and not set myself up for failure, but I also need to not be complacent or come up with a million excuses as to why I can't move forward. Any volunteers?!? lol

An ABUNDANCE of disconnect...

Several years ago I reached this point in my life where I no longer needed to be surrounded by people to be happy. While it's good to not depend on others to be happy and fill voids that only God can truly fill, it's not good to live life alone. We were created for relationship, but because of my past hurts where I've been let down, used, discarded and abandoned, it's caused me to completely isolate myself and not allow people in. Since I've started going to The Movement and God has been healing these areas, slowly the walls have started coming down, but over the last couple of months I've found myself adding bricks back into this wall. While I've had moments where I've stepped out and attended social engagements, for the most part I've kept everyone at a distance and returned to being reclusive. It's been too easy for me to pull away and disconnect. While I have this strong desire to find my "tribe" and live life with others, it's hard for me to roll away the stone and really allow people into my heart. I love people, I love socializing and being part of a community, I truly do want more than just attending the occasional social engagement...I want to find my people, the ones I can live life with, the ones I can walk through the trenches with, the ones I can celebrate the victories with, the ones I can build connections and memories with. I know it takes more than just "finding" your tribe, you have to engage and invest into these relationships, you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and take risks with your heart. Don't get me wrong, I have made some pretty great friends whom I love dearly, but I haven't allowed myself to invite them into my heart and into those spaces where I've had the doors locked for so long and I haven't fully invested in these relationships either. I find myself making friends, but not putting forth the effort to go deeper. I've allowed my physical pain to be an excuse to not engage. I've allowed my past hurts to dictate how I navigate social engagements and invitations. I've allowed my fear of getting hurt to keep people out; I've allowed that fear to overshadow and override my desire for intimate friendships and community.

An ABUNDANCE of ASPIRATION...

A few months ago I went to the Propel: Activate conference and God knocked my socks off! Every song, every speaker, every video clip spoke directly to my heart and I felt God nudging me to step up in my walk. So often we find ourselves coming to church, getting fed and then we go about our week without giving a second thought to walking out what we heard on Sunday. Are you becoming fat with the word? Fat with the prophetic? Fat with knowledge? We aren't meant to keep all of this good stuff to ourselves! God wants to fill us to overflowing where we can in turn feed those around us so they to can live life out of a state of overflow. My desire through everything I've learned, all of the emotional healing and restoration I've encountered, is to help others who are walking through trials and tribulations that really need someone to come alongside and tell them that it does get better, a new day is coming, and they to can find healing through this journey with Jesus! The Propel Conference filled me with this overwhelming desire to encourage other women in their walk and to help them become all who God has called them to be. I decided to start a Propel Chapter so I can pour into others the way so many women have poured into me. If you're in San Diego (North County) and would like to join me, let me know, we'd love to have you!

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How can you have this total disconnect and reclusiveness, yet feel this fire in your belly to help others and build a community where women find their God breathed purpose? It's such an oxymoron! I'm praying that God does a radical tear down of these self made walls, a radical healing of the hurts that led me to build these walls to protect myself, a radical restoration of all the enemy has stolen from me. In 2017 God was so faithful to bring healing and restoration and just because it's 2018 and I have a new word, a new focus for the year, that doesn't mean that He's done healing and restoring me! There's still A LOT of work to be done!

"There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears." - Philippians 1:6 (MSG)

I know that God's not done with me yet and as long as I'm saying yes to change, yes to growth, yes to walking out His purposes for my life, then I know that God will be faithful to complete the work He has started in me. It's not easy, nothing in my life ever is, but I will continue to tell myself that it's worth it until I fully completely believe it in the deepest parts of my soul. It's a constant battle in my mind to push past the doubts, the hurts, the confusion, the anger, and instead fill my mind and heart with the TRUTH of who God is and who He says I am! 

" The world is unprincipled. It’s dog-eat-dog out there! The world doesn’t fight fair. But we don’t live or fight our battles that way—never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren’t for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity." - 2 Corinthians 10:5-6 (MSG)

Today's sermon at church was just a confirmation of all that I've been writing the past couple of days for this very post. God is really good at sending me confirmations when I struggle to believe that I've heard Him speak to my heart. So today I am holding a stone above my head, throwing it in the ground and standing on top of it as a marker for how far I've come and all that God has already done for me, but also as a declaration of promise because God will fulfill all that He has spoken to me, over me and through me.